But I can’t help falling in love with you… ♫
bring back those old memories
the days when I wasn’t sure
and you were just the same.Time carries stories within itself
the stories I’d love to relive again.
Now it might be a bit too late
But I can’t help falling in love with you… again! }
I made the most beautiful illustrations I’ve ever made in my life… and shed the most beautiful teardrops I never knew existed. I guess you just don’t deserve an all positive day ever.
– A curse!
But for all you know, they say,
You shouldn’t judge by the cover of the book.
I can be very irritating at all times,
But there’s no rule that the person knows
That he or she is the one to be blamed.
I just say I’m way too inquisitive.
I don’t realize either of the facts,
Neither the beauty nor the irritating part.
To me I’m just as pretty as everyone else
And I walk around seeking attention that
I believe I deserve
Frankly, I don’t feel guilty of doing this,
Unless you keep reminding me to be.
The other day, A taxi driver caught me staring at him. Why was I staring at him? Because, something about him intrigued me. He was looking at himself in the rear view mirror, just the way I used to stare at myself, at the blank screen of my LCD, the mirror, my phone’s display when it is turned off. Did I say I used to? Correction – I still do, and I love doing that. Ok back to the story, he wasn’t particularly handsome or anything, I neither found his features angular and symmetric nor his skin tone very pleasing. But still he was looking at himself as if he were looking at a statue made of Swarovski crystals or something. No, I don’t blame him. Everybody has some pleasing features, some are gifted with a couple of them and very few have not more than one imperfection and that’s whom we consider handsome or pretty. For him he was good to look at, or that’s what I made myself believe. But why was I staring at him? I have his habit – I see something and start thinking and my eyes pause and cease to move. Not very often do I realise that I’m staring at someone before they notice. This time was no exception, yes he looked at me and gave a smile, and that gave me an uncanny feeling, my defensive sense was gushing to action to let him know that “dude no! I’m not checking you out”. And that definitely was strong; my head just involuntarily turned to the other side like the release of a coiled spring and by then my face had shifted from the ‘I’m thinking’ expression to a frown. By then it was too late, he was smiling at me. How did I know? You might ask. Well, I was seeing from the corner of my eye. I love grabbing attention and don’t quite know the next step. The taxi was on the roadside and I was in an auto which was stuck in traffic. The traffic cleared my auto moved on but the thought was still pondering in my head.
Does everyone, regardless of their shape, size and colour, think they’re pretty or good to look at? Then why is it that I believe deep inside that I am ugly or wait is that not too deep inside that I feel ugly? Well, its not just about me in here. Does everyone believe they are beautiful? (Note: this is the first time I wrote beautiful)
I even asked a friend about this, and I don’t quite remember if they actually answered it at all. So I made myself believe that everyone thinks they are good looking in their own ways and that there is nothing wrong in believing that and it doesn’t cost you a thing!
Digesting only thoughts,
I drag my feet to walk,
Stray dogs look up, expecting food,
And I, I just smile back at them.
Thinking, “I feel you my friend”
My wallet’s lighter!
People of all shapes, colours and sizes,
Flashy clothes and smiles under flashy neon lights
Inviting, intriguing, Disappointing; life.
Dust – Maya; Dust again,
Currency notes, rolled,
Tapped to ashes, stubbed
The ashes, trickle down and
Disappear. Into the dust, yet again.
Wants to help you out, to sort it out,
To take you back, to where you were before.
And one fine day after a real long period of being friends with Lola, that would be in 3days, he asks her out. He still has this one picture of hers on his desktop, which she had sent the first day they started talking on Hikut. Later the same day they moved into a private chat on msn and then to gtalk and yahoo and sooner they had each other on all the possible IM lists. On the second day he asks her for her number and calls her up on her home number and from then on, they talk everyday rather every night. By the end of the first month he knew everything about her, at-least what she knew about herself and found all her actions cute and adorable.
They got used to the whole scene of not being able to meet they spoke so much they knew everything about each other and after discussing their chores for the day both don’t have anything to say and let the silence talk. Not very long until the silence got boring and they started conversing as lovers often do and found pleasure even with miles in-between them. Coy’s sister, Pallavi used to advice Lola not to be in a relationship with Coy as he had unstable emotions and was a potential danger to the society. But Lola just turned a deaf ear to Pallavi and her rants. She thought Pallavi was just jealous or possessive or just a plain vamp in her life.
She was so into him that she was starting to dream of going to Marata, where Coy used to stay, for her graduate studies. “If not arts then probably commerce or anything of that kind”, she convinced herself. That was when, Bitsy, Lola’s best friend brought her back on the ground and reminded her about her real dream of pursuing arts. Bitsy hated the way Coy was controlling her life, and even more he was older than her and would be in school for another year after Lola would have passed out. Lola consulted Coy, he thought it was for her own good and agreed upon not being able to meet her for another 4 years. She joined a residential college and got busy with all the adrenalin rushes, bursting creativity and a whole lot of new people especially men. In a few weeks’ time Lola used to forget to call back Coy if he has called when she was in class. In a month she fought with Coy over a million times about the silliest things that she earlier used to think were the cutest characters of him. She sat back and relaxed after each fight to review on what went wrong. She loved Coy the most at one point now she can’t even stand his voice, she was trying to reason it and at one point she couldn’t find a single reason to be in a relationship with Coy. She called up Bitsy to seek her advice and this time whatever she said made total sense, she found all of Pallavi’s words true too. It wasn’t just because of Coy’s inadmissible behavior that she wanted to break up with him, but also because she was falling in love again this time, to someone real and vivid, with flesh and blood and her heart thumps when he comes closer to her or even when he says a Hi with a warm smile she felt as if the sun was getting warmer, She got tingles and her skin rose in goose bumps when his hand accidentally brushes by hers. His name was Punk and he was 4 years elder to her, and is not handsome or charming or anything of that sort. Actually if you meet him the first thing that’d come on your mind is a garden lizard. But it didn’t matter to Lola; she was a firm believer of love is blind and was least bothered about how he looked, because she wasn’t a great looker herself.
At this point, if Coy would have called she would easily have asked who he is and that’s what she did too. Every minute with Punk, Coy stared seeming so unreal and imaginary – not in the nice dreamy way but more of a nightmarish way. She stopped visiting Hikut, changed her Ids in all the IM services, deactivated most of them and finally changed her phone number and persuaded her parents to change their residence number too.
Meanwhile Coy’s stepmother Cruela had made Pallavi’s life un-livable, and pushed to the state of committing suicide. He was upset when he got to know their father played a massive role in the whole plot of killing Pallavi and was arrested by the cops along with his beloved wife. Now Coy was alone with his step brother Coyer and wanted Lola back so badly. He emailed her on the address she never checked and even mailed Bitsy his plead to want to talk to Lola. He signed the last line saying, “Lola would never let me down”.
By the time Lola came to know the whole story she was in and out of a very brief relationship with Punk. She spoke to him again from her old ID consoled him and was almost convinced to go back in a relationship with him. But it was too late she had grown out of the naive sweet girl that she was in school, she’d been hurt, quenched, mellowed and harnessed by the outcomes of the relationship with Punk which ended the same way as she had ended hers with Coy. Coy still loved her and so did she, love Punk. It was easier for Coy, he never met her ever, neither in the past nor will he in the future. She saw Punk every day and wished she would die.
Punk nearly killed her, his words, ripped apart each of her flesh inch by inch, got on her nerves and crushed it to the last bit along with her self-esteem and with the leftovers of it he drove her crazy to a dark corner and punctured her soul on the nails of karma. Grass grew around the tomb stone on her grave that said R.I.P
She resurrected and started a new life, but it would never be the same as the old one as the reminiscent of the past failed relationship still haunts her till this very minute.
Hikut is real and so are Coy, Lola and the others. I am Lola and Lola is nothing but a dream. Bitsy, Pallavi, Coy, Punk and all other dreams died with her, and so did the entire universe as if it was flushed down the kitchen sink, down the drain…