emotions, rambles, randomness

Musings

I’m a little torn between what I am and what I want to be. Sometimes I catch myself staring away into nothingness, dreaming about things that I’d rather be and would someday be doing (Obsessive compulsive optimism). That’s when I realize maybe; I should stop dreaming, turn around and take a step towards the vision of my happier future, where I’m happy doing what makes me happy. Then I sit and wonder what if I keep chasing one or another dream and keep running away from the present to catch hold of the one glimpse of future that I see? What if my life is nothing but a chase?

And then, in a weird way, it makes me happy. I don’t wanna settle down with what makes me happy momentarily. I wanna keep moving on. Like a flowing river. Just that, I’m not the river. I’m that something that floats on it, jumps off to roll down the rocks, into the deepest woods, gets gushed by the floods, fly with the wind and dies peacefully in the arms of a passing cloud just to get carried away into the nothingness yet again!

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emotions, rambles, randomness, Uncategorized

Riding the rainbow

Dissecting a perfect rainbow ablaze,
On a clear sky I’d otherwise found solace,
Pull it down, haul its tether,
Thread by thread, one colour from the other.

Melting pigments into my palette;
Monochromes fail to be true defiant.
For it wasn’t a bunch of hues in glut,
it was a human flesh and blood.

A knight in a shiny armour, a lore-
only she’s never seen one before.
Stabbing through with a sword adrift,
painting colours in her ashen crypt.

The red of the rainbow, fades the last.

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emotions, love sick, randomness, Uncategorized

Love?

Love as a fantasy, as a bed full of roses, the butterflies and the mushiness are so passé and they better be, I’m almost quarter to a century now.

I came across a quote on a random someone’s page today, “Love rescues you from reality” it read. If it was a few months ago, I would have liked it, shared it or even tagged a bunch of other love sick people I know, tossed in half a dozen hash tags and topped it all with a “True that!” status update. Somehow, things are not the same anymore, may be I’ve seen too much, known too much or whatever be the case, I was tempted to contradict. To comment on that page would have been a disaster with almost the million hate messages and advice saying, “you might be going through love failure” and some on “how to fall in true love” etc., So here I am, expressing my way of looking at love and it’s ways.

“They talk about the love that rescues you from reality. I believe in the love that walks with me hand in hand through the reality of day today life. Down the crowded lane of work stress, the loud family market place, vengeful dark alleys of burglars and wafting smell of freshly brewed coffee in the neighbourhood street. Love is not about the butterflies that tickle you in your stomach, making you forget the reality. Love is that whiff of fresh air at home and those timeless moments gazing at the butterflies that dance around the flower pots in your balcony garden.”

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emotions, love sick, rambles, randomness

Lola would never let me down…

Coy was a student, but with no intentions to study. He was 17 but still in school and he desperately needed someone, someone to talk to, to hold on to, to hug and cuddle and to cry when he remembers his mom whose place has been filled by his dad’s personal Cruela, basically, he needed a girlfriend. Being the kind of person he is he was pretty sure he wouldn’t get a girlfriend in real life (I appreciate this realization) so, he goes on chatting with random women online on this site named Hikut, a chat platform which brings anonymous people together. One day he meets Lola, a bubbly 16 year old who just got a new computer with an internet connection and she wanted to explore the whole world of the internet (she was way too experimental and inquisitive for her age). She was from an all-girls school in cotton-city and made sure no one came to know that she has not met much of men of her age in her life except for a few neighbors who she shyly says a “Hi” to and her cousins who are busy wrestling with each other thinking they were the great Rock and Big-show of WWF. In a couple of months’ time she’d pass out of school and had her wings ready to take a flight to pursue her passion for arts. One thing that Lola got au naturel was flirting. She would flirt and create sparks of love in every Tom, Dick and Harry’s heart as if it was her birth right and Coy was not an exception to this play.
And one fine day after a real long period of being friends with Lola, that would be in 3days, he asks her out. He still has this one picture of hers on his desktop, which she had sent the first day they started talking on Hikut. Later the same day they moved into a private chat on msn and then to gtalk and yahoo and sooner they had each other on all the possible IM lists. On the second day he asks her for her number and calls her up on her home number and from then on, they talk everyday rather every night. By the end of the first month he knew everything about her, at-least what she knew about herself and found all her actions cute and adorable.
They got used to the whole scene of not being able to meet they spoke so much they knew everything about each other and after discussing their chores for the day both don’t have anything to say and let the silence talk. Not very long until the silence got boring and they started conversing as lovers often do and found pleasure even with miles in-between them. Coy’s sister, Pallavi used to advice Lola not to be in a relationship with Coy as he had unstable emotions and was a potential danger to the society. But Lola just turned a deaf ear to Pallavi and her rants. She thought Pallavi was just jealous or possessive or just a plain vamp in her life.

She was so into him that she was starting to dream of going to Marata, where Coy used to stay, for her graduate studies. “If not arts then probably commerce or anything of that kind”, she convinced herself. That was when, Bitsy, Lola’s best friend brought her back on the ground and reminded her about her real dream of pursuing arts. Bitsy hated the way Coy was controlling her life, and even more he was older than her and would be in school for another year after Lola would have passed out. Lola consulted Coy, he thought it was for her own good and agreed upon not being able to meet her for another 4 years. She joined a residential college and got busy with all the adrenalin rushes, bursting creativity and a whole lot of new people especially men. In a few weeks’ time Lola used to forget to call back Coy if he has called when she was in class. In a month she fought with Coy over a million times about the silliest things that she earlier used to think were the cutest characters of him. She sat back and relaxed after each fight to review on what went wrong. She loved Coy the most at one point now she can’t even stand his voice, she was trying to reason it and at one point she couldn’t find a single reason to be in a relationship with Coy. She called up Bitsy to seek her advice and this time whatever she said made total sense, she found all of Pallavi’s words true too. It wasn’t just because of Coy’s inadmissible behavior that she wanted to break up with him, but also because she was falling in love again this time, to someone real and vivid, with flesh and blood and her heart thumps when he comes closer to her or even when he says a Hi with a warm smile she felt as if the sun was getting warmer, She got tingles and her skin rose in goose bumps when his hand accidentally brushes by hers. His name was Punk and he was 4 years elder to her, and is not handsome or charming or anything of that sort. Actually if you meet him the first thing that’d come on your mind is a garden lizard. But it didn’t matter to Lola; she was a firm believer of love is blind and was least bothered about how he looked, because she wasn’t a great looker herself.

At this point, if Coy would have called she would easily have asked who he is and that’s what she did too. Every minute with Punk, Coy stared seeming so unreal and imaginary – not in the nice dreamy way but more of a nightmarish way. She stopped visiting Hikut, changed her Ids in all the IM services, deactivated most of them and finally changed her phone number and persuaded her parents to change their residence number too.

Meanwhile Coy’s stepmother Cruela had made Pallavi’s life un-livable, and pushed to the state of committing suicide. He was upset when he got to know their father played a massive role in the whole plot of killing Pallavi and was arrested by the cops along with his beloved wife. Now Coy was alone with his step brother Coyer and wanted Lola back so badly. He emailed her on the address she never checked and even mailed Bitsy his plead to want to talk to Lola. He signed the last line saying, “Lola would never let me down”.

By the time Lola came to know the whole story she was in and out of a very brief relationship with Punk. She spoke to him again from her old ID consoled him and was almost convinced to go back in a relationship with him. But it was too late she had grown out of the naive sweet girl that she was in school, she’d been hurt, quenched, mellowed and harnessed by the outcomes of the relationship with Punk which ended the same way as she had ended hers with Coy. Coy still loved her and so did she, love Punk. It was easier for Coy, he never met her ever, neither in the past nor will he in the future. She saw Punk every day and wished she would die.

Punk nearly killed her, his words, ripped apart each of her flesh inch by inch, got on her nerves and crushed it to the last bit along with her self-esteem and with the leftovers of it he drove her crazy to a dark corner and punctured her soul on the nails of karma. Grass grew around the tomb stone on her grave that said R.I.P
She resurrected and started a new life, but it would never be the same as the old one as the reminiscent of the past failed relationship still haunts her till this very minute.

Hikut is real and so are Coy, Lola and the others. I am Lola and Lola is nothing but a dream. Bitsy, Pallavi, Coy, Punk and all other dreams died with her, and so did the entire universe as if it was flushed down the kitchen sink, down the drain…

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all about why?, emotions, rambles

well… ok but WHY?

I miss those days

when I could just randomly ramble and rhyme
with a few Fidel admirers down the corner asking me to write them a few words or even more instead!
Some asking me why I didn’t opt for journalism rather than design (seriously?)
and the others asking me to start copyrighting (That reminds me I still haven’t read up on what that term means exactly)
Ok enough beating around the bushes now…
I miss those days
When I could choose between making sense
and to rhyme
when I had the freedom to write nonsense
and waste all my time
I miss those days
When family stays away from your secrets
The dirty and the wild
you chose who reads what and spare all the regrets
getting your priorities nailed!
I miss those days
when I was just learning
and hence I can make mistakes on a daily basis.
Eat Ice creams when it is raining
and write about it a blog, like a thesis.
Now I am old and have to impress
Strangers and random people who might search me on Google
“Be professional and give your blog a proper address,
‘cuz otherwise you’d have to struggle!”
I miss those days
when writing down emotions were so relieving;
read it on a later day, and shed a tear drop or two.
And Hell No, I don’t wanna write for a living,
Because that’s not what I am Here to do!!
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